Sadness and Silver Linings

The past few months have been an incredible challenge for me personally and for us as a family.  From small issues to larger issues, it does seem as though life's challenges can come in waves and work at knocking you back as soon as you think you're recovering a bit.  I think I'm on the upswing of this whole sadness thing, though, and just want to share a glimpse at some of the things that have been challenging me (and us) over  the past couple of months (in no particular order)...

The Bees
Losing our bees this spring has awakened a whole new level of worry for and confusion about our world, our food systems and our (human) place within it all.  I have found myself contemplating our food systems, our ecosystems, our pollinators and our shortsightedness as people on this planet.

Silver linings? 1) People are becoming more aware of the issues facing our environment and our bees.  Awareness doesn't fix all of the problems we're facing, but it is a first (and very important) step. 2) We were able to harvest the most delicious honey ever from the abandoned hive.

The Chicken
Ugh...I am just so sad about that damn chicken that died on us last week.  Maybe it's due to the fact that there was no warning and we weren't able to figure out what happened.  Maybe is due to everything else going on.  But I think of that single chicken every day.

Silver linings?  1) We have 19 other chickens that makes me smile, and even laugh a little, every day, too.  2) The Ladies lay the most beautiful, most delicious eggs ever.

The Fridge
Early last week our fridge went out in a big way...I'm talking about glowing electrical issues behind the freezer panel, smoking, burning badness.  If that weren't bad enough, we had just done two weeks worth of grocery shopping.  It was definitely not in the plan to drop $1,600 on a fridge anytime soon and yet, after working 45 hours in four days prepping for and training 21 staff for Summer Camp, we found ourselves at Best Buy breaking out the credit card.

The kicker?  When the fridge was finally delivered, the plug was broken and there are zero Samsung certified electricians in Santa Fe, so they will replace the whole fridge in a few days.  Yay for coolers, bags of ice and shuffling food!

Silver linings?  1) We were home when the fridge went out, so our house didn't burn down.  2) We were able to save most of our food and keep it at work until our new fridge was delivered on Saturday.  3) Even though we had to use our Best Buy card, we were given three years interest free and will absolutely pay off the balance well before then.

The Girl 
Several weeks ago, I mentioned a rough patch, but I wasn't ready yet to share the truth of what was going on with us personally.  I wanted to wait it out, see how it evolved and keep it tucked away as long as possible in the hope things would shift back and we would find some form of normal again.  The truth is, I am not sure if it will shift back into any kind of normal I will recognize again, so all I can really do is share where we are now by sharing the facts as I know them.

Fish Girl, my 18 year old daughter, essentially ran away on April 1st and has not been home since.  At first there was very little communication, but it has gotten better over the past seven weeks and I'm not as terrified as I was in April (we text, we chat, we see each other every once in a while), but my heart aches for all that has been broken in our relationship as a consequence of her choices.

It's hard for me to wrap my head around it all.  Until now I believed that children run away from homes that are dangerous and detrimental to their health and sanity...they don't run away from loving, caring homes!  Well, color me silly, I guess they do.

What it all boils down to (from my perspective) is 1) her love and perceived responsibility for a boy who was her friend and is now her boyfriend 2) her want to be independent and 3) her current inability to communicate effectively about her wants, needs, fears and dreams.  So, instead of having a conversation, she ran away.

I have spent the better part of the last several weeks trying to wrap my head around her decision and am still at a loss.  I miss her and her presence in our home.  I worry for her and the choices she is making.  I fear that she will throw away her future (and the $70,000 she has in college scholarships) to stay in her home-town with her boyfriend.  I am learning that there is only so much control I have over all of it.

Silver linings?  1) She has graduated high school, despite being away from home and couch surfing for several weeks AND she graduated in the top 10% of her class!  WooHoo!!!  2) I trust (because I have to) that she will eventually figure out that she does not have to remain on the tough road she has chosen (part time work, full time *expensive* life, no real college plans and surrounding herself with people who are not making the best conscious choices possible, to name a few).  3) My child is more independent than I thought she was.  4) I also trust that she is doing the very best that she knows how to do, right now...as am I.  5) There is huge growth for both of us (all of us) in this situation and, again, I trust we will all be better and stronger for it in the end.

Whew!  Alright, I think you're all caught up!

I hope that, wherever the day takes you, you'll find some silver linings!

xoxo,
M

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